Happiness at Home

As probably is the case for most parents, at my absolute happiest, I am with my children, engaged in an activity, singing silly songs I made up to hear them laugh, marching around the deck or lounging about, cuddling and watching a movie. Children seem to bring out the best in people and when I became a mom I literally could not believe how much I loved these little beings and how I wanted to be better for them and because of them. 

So when it came to being happy, this was the area that was of most importance to me. I had two choices, I could be overwhelmed with so many young children or I could be happy and enjoy every moment possible of this crazy ride. 

I wanted my children to have a mom who was love in every sense of the word. A mom that lived joy every day and who figured out how to triumph even when the days were long and often hard. I wanted them to feel patience and love and to live in a house where yelling didn't exist. I really want/wanted our home to be a safe space for all four of them.

I'm certain that most would agree this was a pretty idealistic task for a family with four toddlers but I was determined and committed to ensuring our household ran smoothly and joyfully. So to accomplish this, I turned down the outside noise I was hearing and really started paying attention to what my inner voice was telling me to do in regards to parenting. Focusing on this type of parenting has made me personally happier but even better is that my children and husband are happier as well. 

The first thing I released was the pressure I was putting on myself and my kids in regards milestones. I was comparing their development at times to their peers or even worse one another!

 I stopped comparing and spent less time worrying about milestone timelines, when they should be doing certain things (getting rid of bottles, binkies, potty training, no co-sleeping, the list goes on and on) and I started doing things by what felt right for my family and each of my children.

What was I rushing for? My children used some of these items as soothing mechanism or were literally at times telling me they weren't ready and there I was still pushing! Why shouldn't a baby be soothed or be pushed to do something they're not really ready for? I don't know any adults who use diapers, sleep with their parents or use binkies. It all happens sooner or later so why was I pushing?

So I stopped. I still understand and am aware of all the developmental guidelines, work closely with my pediatrician, talk to other parents and get input from family/friends but I stopped the overall stressing of exact timelines. I collect all the information out there and base my decisions for my children on what my head and heart are telling me to do.

My younger twins are 2 yrs old and still take 2 bottles a day. They use binkies to sleep and one of my 3 yr olds isn't potty trained yet and guess what? I literally don't sweat any of it. 

They are all developing normally, are extremely happy and healthy children who are caring, friendly and pretty darn independent.

I know there will come a day when I may have to force my child in a direction or to do something they may not be 100% comfortable with or ready for at that moment and maybe that will be in regards to giving up their binkies or using potty but in my heart I just don't feel like that time is now. 

They are babies and they don't get to be babies for very long, especially in this fast paced world we live in, so I decided to let them lead and tell me when they are ready for these things.

If one of them wakes up in the middle of the night I no longer lay on the floor next to their bed waiting for them to go back to sleep because I don't want "bad habits". I scoop them up and bring them into my bed to cuddle because it's more important to me at this time to make them feel safe than it is to make them understand we should be sleeping in our own beds. 

I also dropped all the yelling. There wasn't much of it to begin with, once in a blue moon in the heat of the moment or maybe if I had a shorter fuse than normal because I'd been up with someone throughout the night but honestly, it never worked. My children never responded to it. They'd sob louder or be so distracted by my tone that they never were able to absorb what I was trying to say. 

It also was sending a lousy message on how we are supposed to communicate with one another in the family and those outside our home. 

In a position of power? It's ok to yell. Frustrated? It's ok to yell. And it really just wasn't what I wanted my kids learning. 

There are so many strong and impactful ways to communicate and I just don't feel as though yelling to get your message across is one of them. So I stopped yelling. Cold turkey. 

I of course have had moments where I slipped. I have 4 toddlers! I reach the end of my rope and occasionally raise my voice, I'm human. And when it happens, I try not to justify it. I apologize to my children. Yup, apologize. I literally say "(insert child's name) I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was (insert emotion) and lost my cool. I shouldn't have done that." And then I repeat the message I was trying to get across in a calm manner asking them if they understand and have questions.

It doesn't always work. A lot of times they walk away and do the same exact thing I talked to them about but they were doing that when I was yelling too. 

Repetition is key with toddlers as we all know and they'll get there but what I did show them in that moment was how to properly, peacefully and effectively communicate with someone and I'm hoping the repetition with this behavior sticks as well. 

With the no yelling "rule" in place I kicked up my patience level as well. 

Consciously, I decided to be peaceful and generous with them at all times but especially when they were sad, in the middle of a fit or scared because that's when they needed it the most. 

I took deep breaths when I wanted to pull out my hair and began saying "mommy mantras" and practicing "mommy meditations" (I use these daily and think they help tremendously!) when I felt my patience was wearing thin. 

I let go of the little things, stopped worrying about my house being spotless, let my kids be little and have not only learned how to truly enjoy it but I've learned how to truly appreciate it.

Now when something doesn't go as planned, I am at peace knowing I at least made the decision based on love for my children and their needs, not based on fear from a conversation with a pediatrician, advice based on articles I had read or recommendations that I was uncomfortable with etc. 

I'm not doing it all right and I wish I had all the answers but by following my intuition in regards to parenting I've really been happier and much more at peace with myself as a mom and my interactions with my children. I'm much more calm and comfortable in my role, my children feel that and they are in turn happy and healthy.

The focus of peace in our home has created much more happiness throughout the family. We communicate more effectively, we are less anxious and I really believe more bonded. These steps aren't for everyone and there are many who would even say we were crazy and that's totally cool, it's not for everyone or all families. But it has worked for us. We still have tons of work to do as parents for our children but I really think we're headed in the right direction.